Personal Transformations "I am waiting to be born !! My midwife is Raj"

I have a story to share. It’s not important who I am or who the people in the story are. I shall remain unnamed. Unnamed is important as it does not hurt the sensitivity of other people and allows me to be completely honest with you who choose to read this. I  owe you this honesty. I hope my search for Clarity, Truth and a new Life may help many of you understand your experiences and help some of you get clarity as well. 

Its the journey forward that’s important, the past is only important to set the context. So I will get over that fast. I have lived about 40 years on this earth, born to loving parents who gave me freedom to question, to follow my dream, and never judged my actions by benchmarks of narrow societal norms. They believed in the inherent goodness in me – I was their Princess with a golden heart (Yes I am a woman). Some basic values were ingrained – Truth, Courage, Solidarity. Solid grounds!! But the hallmark of my childhood was freedom, freedom to question, to explore, to be stupid and ignorant to do nothing sometimes….

But with this somewhere I picked up signals of their dreams and aspirations for me. A great career, a wonderful solid marriage, two kids, a house with a garden….. Basically a Happy ever after!

What happens next is – a postgraduate degree, I fall in love with this prince and marry him, a corporate career, two cute loving kids… not a house but a cool apartment.. And I am hanging on to this mirage and anything that doesn’t fit I am brushing under the carpet.

The prince turns into a frog! I try and blame myself, I try and adapt, my tastes are too Indian, I am too fat, I don’t give him enough space, he is burdened with family life and its stifling him, I should give him space, I should take on the load anything,  anything at all that will make him become what he was…

The children are growing with this father who is always full of anger and they get slapped in the name of discipline, they get slapped more when I have not conformed to something… only I can make the subtle connection. I load myself with more guilt. I see them lie out of fear. I watch them learn to manipulate, Worse, I am lying to save them from punishment… What am I teaching them!

And Work….It has to fit and adapt to my family requirements and babies, I negotiate, flexi times, working from home, remote support functions….! All said and done career is surprisingly doing well in spite of an unconventional path ----- one area that is still true to my values, which I still approached with confidence and passion. That story for another time.

 My body is giving up on me…my spirit is dead. I have everything but am not happy. Its all a SHAM. So I STOP. I give up my job…. By now you guessed I am supporting a fancy flat with EMIS, CAR EMIs and 2 kids education and the food … and I just STOP.

How irresponsible you may scream, the frog said that too! ….. But you know what, stopping was the best thing I did! I stopped for a year! That’s how long it took for me to face the truth. Help did walk into my life in the form of a friend who introduced me to yoga and meditation and I thank god for the safety net because it kept me balanced and focused with my thinking.

The realization took a year to dawn. Let me put it in bullet points as that’s how I am programmed to make a point.

·        Marriage

o       Marriage is when you have PARTNER, its about respect and sharing and understanding. It’s not about sacrifice in the name of unconditional love and keeping up appearances..I was NOT Married because I didn’t have a Partner I walked alone – This is the first truth I faced.  In fact I hadn’t been married for years! Actually I got unmarried the day I married.

What hurt was a stupid notion that to be happy, you need a life PARTNER .Nonsense!  Happiness exists within you, your respect for what you believe in, and living your personal passion. Those of you who are lucky to have partners thank god today and every day, it’s a bonus, but not essential.

·        Money

o       You don’t need Money to be happy or secure. My children taught me that. With no money Pizzas were replaced with peanuts for treats, we picnicked with bread jam butter on the terrace of the apartment. All they needed was a mother that was happy!

·        Career

o       When you start living by expectations of what success means – and join the rat race of designation milestones, you get the title but do you get fulfillment? Career is not a videogame, its your expression of applying your unique skills and each has its own path.  It’s the process of applying your skills that makes you both successful and happy

None of this is new for many of you. But the problem is what do you do next?

This realization was 7 years back…. I tried to adjust and live and compromise and control and tried to navigate my life with some small and some big changes, but every step was a bargain a negotiation until one day a thought occurred to me tomorrow if my children went through this what would I tell them to do…. certainly not what I was doing. I decided to make a clean break.

But that’s not my story. My story begins NOW I am but an embryo at the age of 40, being born to live the values I believe in. Truth, Courage, Solidarity…and more

And I am undergoing Labour Pains for a year and still not holding on….

And guess what there is a midwife….. Raj Bhowmik .

 When I first met Raj I had been separated from my children. They had just told me they don’t care to be with me, I was destroying their happiness by challenging the family…Something I hadn’t bargained to hear. I felt betrayed because I believed that I had lived in the SHAM for 7 years partly because I believed that it was best for them. And now I wanted them to get out, and know freedom from fear and learn to value what comes with that – Truth, Courage,Solidarity… don’t they understand!

I met Raj, full of doubt and questions. He said two things – First retracting will not change anything, you would have wasted more time. Second, this is not going to be easy, there is worse to come if you continue on this path.

He asked “should life always be pretty and painless?” Fight and persist your children will understand and learn what you want them to learn. They will come out stronger. Its their internship. He promised “I will not let go of your hand till we get you out of this”. For one year Raj has called at times when I was in most danger or turmoil. His call comes when I was in a Police Station, when I was locked inside my house with people threatening to not let me come out, when my car breaks down in trying to get away. When I had a bad day at court and lost my cool at the Judge…..  there are many more times.

I write to him every single day. It started out as a threat to him to ensure that he doesn’t forget my mission! Now that writing is therapy, only therapy with magic sometimes! When I am really down and just have to meet kids they visit the next day!…. Labor pains yes but some respite too!

Needless to say I am waiting to be born and for the story of a new life to begin….until then thank you to the midwife!