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Wednesday 1 August 2012

A Compassionate Family



A Compassionate Family

At the outset it is imperative to first understand the word family. To many of us family   comprises of  parents and children.  Families too have forms. There are extended families too. Extended horizontally to include uncles and aunts and cousins and vertically to include grandparents. There are also combination of horizontally and vertically spread families.  Let us look at compassion in the different family structures and relationships.
The moment a man and a woman become husband and wife, they mean the world to each other. They feel they can sacrifice and do anything for their partner.  However, as the relationship progresses,  the giving to each other is placed in the weighing balance.  Each partner begins to assess if he /she has received  as much as he/she has given. The compassionate space from where the relationship starts  very soon moves to a judgemental space. They start placing a value to their giving and receiving. The moment they  perceive an imbalance in the same, the WHY Me takes over. This is the reality. This is where the problems in the relationship begin.  Marriages have become a project, a financial contract. 

Can such relationships work??

There are umpteen examples where spouses go all out to serve their partner with the sole objective of making the other person happy.  In the process they forget their own self and surrender fully in the relationship.  They are not concerned if they are getting the credit for all that they are doing to serve the partner. They have no complaints in the relationship. This is true compassion.  Such partnerships are becoming rare and extinct. But if the giving happens from  arrogance, appreciation and  credit seeking space, then such a giving is not from a compassionate space. 

However, in today’s era this kind of a relationship is  considered exploitative.  In the current times, it is imperative that one creates the desired space in the relationship which enables and empowers one to grow and evolve.  This is not being selfish. To fulfil one’s highest purpose which gives meaning to life and make it useful to others is the process of transformation.  From this space whatever is done for the family is truly compassionate.  Even when giving is pure and genuine, many a times it is not perceived with the same intent. Does that mean we stop giving ???  Remember whatever we give out comes back. The form may vary. We may feel we are not getting back but once we start seeing life in totality we will realize that life has indeed returned  in abundance.   So stop worrying on that front.

When children arrive, they are showered with abundant love by the family. As they grow in age their temperaments, attitude, behaviour may not be in sync with the parent’s expectation. This is where trading in love takes roots. We often hear adults saying….”do this then you will get this” you are not being a good child…..etc etc. in a matter of 2-3 years the unconditional love and giving to the child turns conditional.  We want our children to do exactly WHAT we want.   Children are viewed as parents’ extension. Any mistake or misdeed by the kids is seen as a blow to the parents’ image. The parent child relationship also becomes  corporate. The child has to do something ( in line with parents expectations) to be worthy of receiving. How Sad…….
Grandparents in the family  tend to overdo for their  grand children. There is a strong urge to give all that they could not give and do for their children.  Let us not confuse  this over showering of love with compassion. This is not the desired giving.  This creates an imbalance within the family. Child is like a tug of war between parents and grandparents. This does more harm than good. 

I would like to make a mention of my maternal grand mom who was an epitome of compassion.  With no sight but a great vision of a happy society, she always placed everybody else before her. Simple to the core, minimal needs, contented with her meagre means, always smiling , joyful, never complaining and  ALWAYS giving, blessing  and praying for everyone. A grandmom who lived on no beliefs but only faith in the law of making good causes, accepting and respecting every being.  She sowed the seeds of compassion in all of us. From her we learnt the first lessons of true compassion.

The  Compassionate relationship would imply the following set of actions -

  • Being  sensitive to the other’s needs,
  • Accepting  and respecting   persons as they are
  • Allowing   persons to be who they are
  • appreciating  every  little effort of other people
  • being  grateful to all that one has received in the relationships
  • acknowledging and accepting the other’s  perspective,
  • allowing space to the other person
  • aligning with the way others think, behave and act
Willing to try these out??? Make a beginning and see what life has to offer. We want a meaningful happy life. So we make meaningful causes. Remember it is never too late in life. Even if it is just a day before your last day on the planet earth.   

 What is compassion to me in a family ?

Each  person understand the needs of others. As a Mother knows the food habits of all the members. She cooks  a variety to suit every person.
We do not wait for the other person to ask for something….
There is high level of sensitivity towards others needs and desires.
Think before we say something-
The today’s generation considers this as exploitation. How can one partner just give and give ?
But, that is what living a compassionate life in a family means. Imagine what if the focus of each family member in a house is just to give...There shall be intense level of sharing and caring and our horizons shall never be delimited...Then it does not matter whether we are living in a  nuclear family or in a big Indian Joint family system..!

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